Purging

Last night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, so I started reflecting on my life. Sadly, I didn't like what I saw. I have not been a nice person lately to my family. I have been mean, unkind, selfish, and all out nasty. Have you ever gotten to that point, where you just feel dark inside? All you can see is negativity, anger, disappointment, regrets, hate and all around bleakness? That is where I have been.
I think subconsciously I like carrying around this gloominess because it is comforting. It is what I know, and has been there. It is easier in a way than making an effort to change. I hate change. :) It is very hard for me. Sometimes I see a glimmer of light, but then something happens that causes the darkness to come back.
Ironically I have started reading my scriptures again and little by little, messages are touching my heart. I was reading about Ammon and his experience with King Lamoni. The gospel touched his heart and caused all the hatered he had for the Nephites to disappear. It touched him so much, that he and his people had no more desire to use their weapons of war. They would rather die, than hurt their brethern. This got me to thinking, Why is it easier for me to be a Gadianton Robber than an Anti Nephi Lehi? Why can't I keep my weapons of war buried? And what are my weapons of war? They are the hurtful words I use with my children, grabbing them in anger, feelings of indifferent with them, and I think even not caring about myself, my home, or my life. These are the weapons that I need to bury. The Gadianton robbers kept uncovering their weapons, because Satan kept reminding them of where they were hidden. He wanted them to be stirred up in anger, vengence and downright nastiness. When I am acting like this, the Gadianton Robbers are winning.

I don't want them to win anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want the peace that the gospel brings. I want to turn it all over to the One who can heal my broken heart and make me whole again. Why is that so hard? Why is my heart willing, but my flesh is weak?

Why can't I have the perfect faith of my little Emily who just brought me a picture and pointed to it with a big smile on her face, and said "Jesus". She knows, and deep down I know too.
That is what keeps me trying. Maybe this time will be different.